Meeting With a Group of Lesbians in Uganda

December 15, 2009

The evening before leaving Uganda I got to meet with Val Kalende, the “out” lesbian activist in Uganda (the only one, I think) and her friends at the Freedom and Roam Center. This center is supported by a lesbian group in NY which pays for the rent of the space and the Director's stipend. Val and others work totally without salary (sometimes international trips are funded to various human rights gatherings and other events) which is really hard since Val's “out” status and commitment to the work she is doing makes it very difficult for her to obtain and maintain employment.

When I arrived I saw 5 white women and 8 black women in a circle. Seeing one white person in Uganda is a rarity for me, much less five. What were these women doing here? It turns out that they were visiting from Sweden (a lesbian group, of course), having just hosted a few of the Ugandan women in their country. Collectively, the groups were planning the events of the 2-week visit by the Swedes which had just begun. It sounded like an interesting mixture of conversations, home visits, politically-oriented events and tourist attractions.

After a while we had some snacks and Val invited me to facilitate a circle or conversation only with the Ugandan women that might be supportive to them. I chose to invite each woman to speak of whatever was painful or challenging for her personally and to be an empathic listener, adding some coaching about ways she might think about or address her situation differently, if warranted. The first woman who spoke talked of the immense pain and anger towards God that she felt about the death of her mother whom she viewed as accepting and loving of her in an environment where very few people were. Mostly, I just listened, being present with her in her grief. However, I also encouraged her to view the magnitude of her grief as a reflection and reminder of the intensity of the love and support she had received from her mother. She came to see that her valuing of this love and support was within her and was something that she could always appreciate and connect to.

Another woman spoke of the rejection she feels from her extended family except insofar as their desire for money from her goes. Her mother, in particular, uses a lot of violence in her language to her in an effort to have her daughter increase what she gives to her, e.g. “You have the money I want to go to Mecca again and if you won't give it to me you are just selfish. Why did I ever give birth to you? You are no daughter of mine to treat me like this! You treat other people better than your own mother. Why would you want to give money to someone else and not to me?”

Because there is so much emphasis on people in a family helping one another, when one member of the family is successful financially or has a “good” job, the number of requests for support coming from the extended family and the feelings of obligation can be quite overwhelming. This pattern is not just limited to families with gay members, but is quite common in all families with strong collectivist traditions. Many individuals who earn a very good salary by community standards are never able to save any money or build what we in the West would think of as financial security or independence because they are supporting so many relatives, literally as many as 50 in some cases. This may include supporting a number of children who are orphans because of the AIDS pandemic and other diseases - paying school fees so that they can attend school, fees for books, uniforms and exams and the expense of food.