Sharing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with 36 rural African businesswomen

September 25, 2009
Trish Potgeiter is the white South African contact person I met through the Center for Nonviolent Communication web-site who invited me to share NVC in the Johannesburg area and who took responsibility for arranging gatherings at which I might share it. I was particularly excited and nervous about the introductory 2-hour workshop she arranged for me on September 27 as this would be for African women from a poor, rural area 60 km from Johannesburg and would give me a chance to interact with a different segment of South African people from those who usually come to such a workshop. Would I be able to connect with these women whose lives were so different from mine? Would I have something to offer them?

But let me set the stage - Trish picked me up at the home where I was staying in Johannesburg the night before so that she wouldn't have to fight rush hour traffic to pick me up in the morning. We spent a number of hours that evening continuing to get to know each other, preparing hand-outs for the training session and sharing our passion and experience with NVC. Trish lives in a cottage on her recently widowed mother's property which consists of a large number of acres. Trish told me that she was worried about her mother whose husband of 40 years had died two months ago. Her mom missed him a lot although the relationship had been a difficult one for six years, ever since the break-in they had experienced.

One night three men broke into their home, tied up Trish's parents in separate rooms and then one man attempted to rape the her mom. Miraculously, when he untied her legs she was able to escape and went screaming to her daughter's house and the men fled. A few days later bars were installed on all windows and doors and the family has been very conscious of security ever since. Whenever I would leave Trish's cottage to go to the main house 50 feet away I had to unlock the metal barred door and then lock it. And in the evening Trish asked her boy friend to walk with me to the house. These, I guess, are the kinds of experiences and concerns that my son Justin has described his South African ex-patriate friends in Dubai talk about as reasons for leaving South Africa. Jennifer, in Johannesburg also had bars on all windows and doors and an electronic surveillance system, too, but did not seem quite as concerned about security. Jennifer has only experienced two robberies and, as far as I know, no personal threat of violence, which might account for the difference in apparent fear level.

Getting back to the workshop. We arrived at the training center which was owned by a Black woman and a number of young people (40?) were leaving from a week-long training in social work skills that they could use in their villages in different capacities. I was to meet with local businesswomen and I had no idea what they were expecting from the training, which was offered without charge, although I believe they were going to pay something for the taxis which had brought them to the center in groups. We hoped that they would want to come to a 2-day training the following week which would have a fee associated with it. When I asked some of them what they were hoping to learn they mentioned information that would help them be more successful in their businesses. I was worried about the gap in what they were expecting and what I was prepared to offer.

Then I spoke to the owner of the training center and she indicated that they all have family problems that they could use help with and I should go ahead with sharing NVC. She said two common problems are that their husbands are often unfaithful and take girlfriends and that their husbands want the women to pay all the household expenses and don't want to share the money that they earn. Wow! Not exactly easy stuff, I thought. How will I relate to these issues across the cultural divide? I was getting more nervous.

I decided to start with an identification of their most important values and needs by asking “What is most important and precious to you? What is it that makes you want to get up in the morning?” In small groups they were to make a list of answers to these questions for sharing with the whole group. They had some questions about the words and someone volunteered to translate into Zulu. They asked if they were supposed to answer both questions. I was getting even more nervous.

When we came back together as a large group I asked them what they
came up with. “Peace within.” “A husband who hears you and loves you” “Friends who care” “God's presence” I immediately relaxed. This was going to be OK. They came up with the same answers as every other group I have worked with, including the two middle-class groups in Johannesburg.

Some other memorable moments: When I suggested that money was not a need because there are some cultures where people do not use money, they were floored. I indicated that money was a very useful strategy or way of security food, shelter and health care, but that the fundamental needs were food, shelter and health care but not money. They seemed dubious about the utility of this perspective. We talked about the need for information, which they had identified as important for them in growing their business. How could they get information without money? I was very sad to learn that even getting a book from the library costs money; there are no free libraries. And, of course there is no free internet access or free schooling for business development either. How easy it is to overlook the challenges in the lives of others when coming from a position of privilege! I felt really humble.

A highlight occurred towards the end of the session when I wanted them to see how certain feelings occur when needs are fulfilled. I asked them to identify a time when they had felt delighted or very happy. The owner of the center said “September 4th.” “What happened on September 4th “, I asked. “This center opened.” “And what needs are you seeing the opening of the center as meeting or potentially meeting?”

*Hope for the future.
*Learning and growth for the women who will come for training.
*Food for our families.
*Inspiration.
*Trust that we can support one another.
*Growth of community.
*Friendship. Celebration.
*People helping one another.
*Belief in ourselves.

As each need was named the increase in excitement and joy was palpable. I really loved seeing the radiance on the faces as the women connected with their hopes and dreams for themselves and each other.

When the session was over the women started singing some gospel songs. I joined in and soon we were all moving and dancing together. What fun! I was glad for my experience in the Binghamton University Gospel Choir which had helped me to develop my enjoyment and comfort with gospel music.